Roommates…

I can’t live with people…especially friends. I’ve tried it a few times now and it’s not worked out, some worse than others.

My first roommate was nearly twice my age. I was 19. She was 32. We worked together and I wanted to be on my own. She had to move out her then apartment. I know…first red flag. She had quit her job to try and find another job in another state for a guy she knew. That didn’t work out either and she came back. We decided to live in a small house together in redneck Missouri. It was a cheap house…$400 a month for a two bedroom. It was a cute little house and while I didn’t make a lot of money and lived off of cheap food, it was mine and I was independent. Well, Stacy didn’t have a job at this point. She had welfare, from which she received $250 a month. I had a full-time job and made decent money…for a 19 year old. Stacy and I started out decently well. We got furniture from a thrift store…beds from her mother. It wasn’t much, but it was home. Hell, I’d even gotten her a cell phone line on my account. After awhile, Stacy started talking to an old friend named “Duane”. I didn’t like Duane. I didn’t trust Duane. After a month, she MARRIED Duane. Duane then lived in my house. I was furious. Eventually, I felt like a prisoner in my own house because I locked myself in my room, to be away from the both of them. My mom explained that they were having a rough time, so I made the decision to move back home. I was elated. Until I found out she was trying to screw me. We had gotten a washer and dryer…one that I paid more than half for. The utilities were all in my name…I know! When I moved, Stacy and I made the compromise that she and Duane could keep the washer and dryer, if they paid the month’s utilities and then switch them into their names after I cancelled. Well, low and behold…THEY DIDN’T PAY THE BILLS. SHOCKING! Right…I only know this because I got a collections notice in the mail. I confronted her about this and she said that she did pay it, but couldn’t produce any receipts. I told her to save it and walked away…our friendship was through. About a month later, I was working and my supervisor came up to me and gave me a box. She said a woman had asked her to give it to me. Stacy had gotten my personal information and had upgraded her phone…ON MY ACCOUNT. There was a note in the box saying she was sorry. I was so unbelievably pissed and hurt. I had trusted her and she betrayed me. Lesson 1.

Later on down the road, after I had joined the military I had the opportunity to live with a few other people. In tech school, I had two different roommates. Both of those girls were actually really good roommates. I loved both of them. No lessons learned there.

A few months later, I was at my first duty station. Osan AB. Our dorm rooms were set up with two rooms sharing a bathroom. My suite-mate, Mary, was a friend from tech school. Mary got there a few months after I did, so I spent most of my short tour with her. At first, we did everything together…and I mean everything. Our doors were always open to each other. We walked to work together. We were on the same crew, so we worked together. We hung out together. She dated my supervisor. I dated his friend. We all went out together. We did everything together. There is such a thing as too much together. I couldn’t stand her, but it wasn’t really her fault. She was a good person. Lesson 2.

I PCS’d to my next duty station in Jan and then moved off-base in March. Felicia, another friend from tech school, and I were excited to live together. She was ready to be out of the dorms and so was I. I thought..she’s a good person, this will be fun. It wasn’t. She was the youngest of 8 kids from a middle-class family. I was the 2nd oldest (but really the oldest) of 7 from a pretty poor family. My family had to scrape by and I was on my own. Her parents came up to visit our first week in the place and bought her nearly everything she needed. Pots and pans, comforter and sheets, towels…and brought her things from their home. She was spoiled. I was not. We both had strong personalities. Out of nowhere, work decided to change my schedule. Next week, I’d be working nights. I told my roommate this. Her response? “Damn! I was looking forward to a normal schedule. This ruins everything for me.” Yeeeaaaa… We both couldn’t wait to move out and away from each other. We don’t talk anymore. Lesson 3.

I took a year off from living with people. It was glorious. I could watch what I wanted on TV. I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner. I didn’t have to quiet when I was on nights because SOMEONE is a light sleeper! It was great, but I didn’t want to live in an apartment anymore. Kids yelling. Neighbors banging. People taking my parking spot. I was through. I wanted to live in a house, but I couldn’t afford it on my own.

Now we bring in Candy. Candy had been a good friend for a few months. We hung out a good bit and had fun together. She was a little needy and definitely needed to break up with her emotionally abusive boyfriend, but that wasn’t my business. Candy and I didn’t live together, but stay with me. We did go on a short assignment to Korea where our friendship fell apart. She was still needy and clung to me like I was her living breath. We did LITERALLY everything together for three weeks straight. After those three weeks, I couldn’t stand the sight of her, but me being me…I was still nice and accommodating to her. Why? Because I care waaay to freaking much about people. After we got back, she found out her roommates had both decided that they were moving and were leaving her with a house she couldn’t afford. She was freaking out…and I felt like I needed to be there for her. Why? Because I am way to nice for my own good. About two weeks before I was to move in, she tells me that another dude was going to living with us and that I would be sleeping on the couch for a month until one of the other roommates moved out. I’m sorry..what?! A dude that I didn’t want to live with…and I would sleep on the couch and still pay full split rent. Ummm…no. Final straw. I didn’t move in with her, but still needed somewhere to live as I had already turned in an intent to move. Lesson 4.

Enter Emily. Emily was a mutual friend of mine and Candy’s, so she knew about this girl. Emily was also in an emotionally abusive relationship with her girlfriend, Sarah. Emily had decided to break up with Sarah and wanted to move away from her. Emily and I decided to find a place to live. It wasn’t bad. I mean, Emily had decided to get back together with Sarah…a girl I truly didn’t like, but again…none of my business. Emily was a good roommate. She was young…turned 21 a few months after moving in with me, but still a good roommate. She had some things to learn and was going through some issues, but we didn’t really have any problems. Not until she got married. Emily got married to Terri and Terri moved in. I don’t dislike Terri. She’s nice, but the house is only so big and Terri and I both have strong personalities. Terri moves in and my stuff gets moved without my permission or knowledge. I don’t like that. They are moving out, but wanted to move out earlier than our lease is up and expected me to pay the last month. Additionally, I’m still waiting on last month’s utilities…and I’ll be paying this month’s next week. On top of that, a hundred dollar bill is missing…my money after they decided to move all of my stuff from the kitchen to my room while I was gone. I know this sounds petty, but this is real life. Your roommate should respect your things and your privacy. Emily and I are still on good terms…as long as she pays her half of everything this month and next, but I’ve learned another thing. Lesson 5.

Let’s recap the lessons learned, shall we?

Lesson 1: Be cautious when it comes to potential roommates…even when they are friends.

Lesson 2: Too much time together isn’t a good thing. Do your own things.

Lesson 3: Make sure you know the temperament of anyone with whom you plan on living.

Lesson 4: Say straight up how you feel about people. You can still be tactful when telling someone they need to grow the fuck up.

Lesson 5: Roommates are not for me. I’m an introvert. I need to be alone. I won’t be living with anyone unless I’m in a relationship with them.

And now I will get back to finding a new place to live. 4 moves in less than 4 years…I need orders, so I can move again.

For you…

This is what I want for you…

I want you to be able to live your life without fear of hurting people. The truth of the matter is this…you will. You will. I will. Everyone will. Life isn’t about whether or not you hurt people. It’s about learning from your mistakes and moving forward. I wish I could say it’s easier than that, but it’s not. Life isn’t easy…as much as we’d all like it to be. Ya know though…life would be incredibly boring if everything was easy. We wouldn’t know the satisfaction of overcoming obstacles or learn how to be better people. I’m told all the time that I’m an awesome, amazing person. Most days I don’t disagree with this assessment of my personality, but I haven’t always been this way. I used to be young and dumb…hell, I still am. I’ve made a multitude of mistakes in my life, but each time that I saw my mistakes had hurt people…I died a little inside. I care deeply for people, particularly those closest to me. I never want to hurt anyone, but again, that’s life. I had to make sure that each time I did, I had to learn from what happened and what I did. I guess, that’s all a part of growing up and becoming an adult.

On the flip side of the same coin, you have to know that in life, people WILL hurt you and let you down and disappoint you. It’s gonna happen even if that person does it unintentionally. One of the best quotes I’ve heard in awhile is this:

“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

It’s true. You’re gonna get hurt. I’m gonna get hurt. Your mama’s gonna hurt. Your sister, your best friend, your brother, your uncle, your kids…should I go on?

If you hurt people and you care about them, but you don’t make an effort to change…then you’re just lazy. Now, not knowing how to change is not the same thing as just saying “Well, that’s just how I am…guess I’m like this forever”. Please see above comment. You can’t give up. Maybe you think you’ve tried and tried and it just seems like you’re always making the wrong decisions. Well, hey…you have many experiences to use as teachers. You only fail when you give up. I’m not saying it’s easy. The Good Lord in Heaven knows that’s not true. Damn it…life isn’t easy (but I’m pretty sure we’ve already covered this one). When you give up, you’re not just giving up yourself. You’re giving up on all of the people that truly believe in you. Those people that believe and know you are better than the mistakes that you’ve made. The people that stand by you because they know who you are inside. You’re telling those people that what they believe doesn’t matter…it’s not important because you’re not gonna try to be that person anymore. People can’t make you believe things about yourself…only you can do that…HOWEVER, they can help you see those things about yourself if you just listen.

You can’t base your life on your fears…and this one I know from experience. We have  little control over our lives (you know it’s true). Why would you let something as silly as fear take over what control you do have over your life? I believe that people have more strength and potential than they truly realize. Yes, bad things have probably happened in your life…and bad things will continue to happen…that’s life. Are you sensing a theme here? Sooo…because bad things happen, do we just stop living our lives for fear of bad things happening again? If your answer is yes…or maybe…or a pause because you’re not sure, then you’re not gonna like what I have to say next. STOP IT! You will live in fear your entire life. Bad things are going to happen. You’re going to be hurt and upset and kicked in the butt so many times in your life, but who you are…life…is based on how you react to those situations. You have to resolve to be better than the bad things that are inevitably going to happen. Get back up there on that proverbial saddle! I’m not saying you shouldn’t be cautious. What I AM saying is that you should learn from the lessons that life teaches you. You should stand up and say “NEENER NEENER!” when life says “F- YOU!” You should maybe not go home with that guy from the bar that has been pushing drinks your way. You should probably not get crazy drunk the night before you are to meet up with your mother for a brunch that she’s been looking forward to for weeks and that you bail on. You should love knowing that the possibility of getting hurt does exist, but knowing that finding love is always better than not. What I’m saying is that life is full of educational experiences if you’re open to them. If you truly want to be a better person, all you have to do is open your eyes and your ears, close your mouth, and use your brain. Think.

If you can’t figure out how to improve a situation, go to those that are closest to you. I can guarantee you there is someone near you that has learned their own share of life lessons that would allow them to impart their knowledge on you. Your family and your friends are there to help you through life…they SHOULD be able to help you be a better person. If you don’t have people around you currently that push you to be your best self everyday, then you need to find better ones.

The only person that truly hold you back is yourself. YOU have to want to change. YOU have to have the determination. YOU have to put in the effort. Life can be beautiful and amazing if you so choose, but then again life can also suck big monkey…ANYWAY.

I love you and I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be happy. Hugs and kisses and shit to the rest of y’all 🙂

Midwest, Missouri…

As I sit here getting ready to turn on the Cards v. Pirates Game 5, I am reminded of my family that I miss so much. See, Cardinals fandom is in my blood. I’ve been a St. Louis fan since I can remember. My dad watches games. My grandpa watched all the games and would shout at the TV…since the players can hear him, of course. I miss the camaraderie of Cardinal Nation, but I’m glad I have social media. I maybe watching this game by myself, in the comfort of my living room, but through Facebook and Twitter I can communicate with my fellow fans from back home. I miss the Midwest more than I think I even realize…that’s home for me. Always has been. Always will be. Cardinal Red. Mizzou black and gold. IMOs and White Castle. Rolling hills and trees for miles. The rich history and breathtaking views. The down home values and How-do-ya-dos. The raised index finger from the steering wheel and slower pace. The thunderstorms and tornado warnings. The orange and red and yellow leaves piled up ready to be jumped into. My heart will forever belong there with my family and  friends from years passed. Things are simpler and you can actually take a deep breath without polluting your innards.

People ask me all the time “What is there to do where you’re from?” My answers never seem to satisfy their ignorance. I suppose unless you’re from there and treasure it, you don’t understand…which makes absolute sense. I’ve already stated above what I love most about being from the Midwest, more specifically Missouri. I guess these things don’t seem as important to others as they are to me. I usually just respond with “We will just have to agree to disagree.” or something similar and change the topic of conversation. Truth is, every time I talk about it, I miss it more and more. I hope to get back soon.

I will wait…

It’s been awhile since my last post…I’ve been quite busy with so many things going on. One of which I feel I need to get out on paper…err…computer screen.

Over a month ago now, I started talking to a new guy (since I always have code names, we will call this one Derek…yes Mom, of course, for Derek Morgan). I actually know Derek from work, but we started talking online. He found me on one of the online dating sites and messaged me. Now, I didn’t quite realize right away who he was. I knew he looked familiar, but it took me a minute to realize who he was. I looked at his pictures and I looked again. I noticed his username was a clue and grabbed my recall roster to check his first name. I asked if his was and he said yes and that yes, we do in fact work together haha. Now, normally I have a strict “No workplace dating” policy, but I decided that he and I don’t interact all that much and if things were to go south…it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. So we started talking and then we were talking all the time…and by all the time, I mean everyday, all day if work permitted. I quickly realized this man was like no other I’d ever encountered. After two weeks of talking with him, I told a girlfriend of mine “I don’t know what’s going to happen with this one, but I just know it’s going to be great because he’s just special.” He IS special. He’s a very caring individual, putting the concerns of the ones he loves well before his own needs or desires. He’s not selfish nor rude nor arrogant. He has a sexy sort of confidence about him…part of his charm though, is his dorky side. Derek is incredibly funny and is ALWAYS able to put a smile on my face…and many times does it on purpose. He brought out that giddy feeling within me that I hadn’t known for a very long time. He adores his nieces and nephews, which is something that I find incredibly endearing and sexy as hell at the same time.  From the very beginning, we agreed that however this turned out, we would definitely have a friendship between us. As we continued talking and then eventually ending up on our first date (a trip to the local Starbucks that lasted 3 1/2 hours by the way), I came to realize that this man is one of the greatest people I have ever met. He’s just amazing…perfect for me. I thought about all of the things I had ever said I wanted in a man, in a partner. He fit all of them. He told me that I’m the picture of perfection and that I’m an incredible person. Our second date was nothing short of perfected amazingness. It was an electric, intoxicating kind of experience even though there were times when I held back or even pushed him away. See, my brain and my heart were not on the same page. I’ve been hurt so many times over in my life by many different people and happiness has been hard to come by. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was afraid of letting myself be happy. Every time he would ask what I was thinking or what I want, I would clam up and basically shut down for a minute. I explained that all of this isn’t something I’m used to . I’m not used to someone caring enough to ask what I want and moreover, actually wanting to know.  It was a little bit to absorb and acclimate to, but I think I did it. We both stated that neither of us wanted to be just friends that night.

All of this sounds good, right? Whoo hoo…not quite…

Last week, out of hormonal emotions I overreacted to a situation with Derek and I. He had some things going on and we didn’t talk all day. I was miffed and blew it out of proportion. I talked to him about it and he became unsure of what it is that he truly wants. He’s afraid of getting hurt too and doesn’t know how to feel or what to think. As previously stated, I’ve been there…I’ve done that. I get it. So now we are just friends because that’s what he needs right now. A relationship isn’t something he is comfortable with and that’s fine. Like I said, I get it. I’ve been to the point where you think you’re good with something…and then something happens to make you think otherwise. Of course I’m not exactly happy with this…the fact that we are now just friends. I was excited about the prospect of finally having a good man to call my partner in life. Here’s the thing though: I’m not giving up on him.

I know you’re probably thinking “Oh geez…just let it go. It’s not gonna work.” Here’s what I say: It isn’t going to work RIGHT NOW. Who’s to say that later on down the road it doesn’t work?

I am a logical, analytical thinker. I don’t make a decision without first thinking through all of the probabilities and outcomes. Hell, it takes me several minutes to pick out a candy bar…let alone what I want to eat in a restaurant…let alone who I give my heart. I cannot explain this, as it does sound crazy…certifiably even. I know in my bones that this man is the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have a logical explanation for it, but I just feel it in my heart that it’s true. Right now, Derek and I are not going to work. I understand that. Maybe God brought us together so that I can help him. Maybe He didn’t. Maybe God brought us together to, once again, teach me a little patience. Maybe He didn’t. I don’t know why God brought this wonderful person into my life, but I know He meant for there to be greatness. I feel it would be cruel otherwise…and God is not cruel. I will do whatever I can and whatever it takes to show Derek that I am not going anywhere…that I am always here for him. To show him, that not everyone in your life is going to let you down. To show him what I have yet to be shown myself. Gosh, the more I think about it the more I know I’m right. As I told my mama, I am unsure of most everything that happens in my life, but I am 100% sure about this one. I just want this wonderful man to be happy. I will be here for him for as long as it takes.

This song says everything that I want to say…everything that I have said in just a few minutes.

She’s at it again…

You guys remember my post about “Hank” right? Well, here’s a similar post.

His name will be Chad. I met Chad when we were both stationed in Korea. I didn’t really know him then. I got there in January and he PCS’d in March to Hawaii. We added one another on Facebook and messaged every now and then for a while and then the volume of those messages increased until we were talking a couple of times a week. I grew to like him. How can you not though? Chad is one of those people that everyone loves. He’s handsome and kind and respectful. He loves his family and works hard. Chad is a good person through and through. I’ve always called him the “perfect man.” This is not without saying he has faults. Everyone does, including Chad, but he’s still pretty close to perfect. I’ve been talking to him for nearly 2 years. I can talk to him about everything…it wasn’t always like this though. There were things I didn’t want to share with Chad because I was afraid of how or what he would think…which was crazy. Crazy because the one thing I love about my relationship with Chad is that no matter what we can trust the other will tell the honest truth. Whether it be what we wanted to be when we grew up or sexual fantasies or what we want our lives to be. I finally told him everything that I hadn’t just a few months ago. I was ashamed about a lot of it, but to my surprise he told me that he respected me more for a.) having told him and b.) having gone through everything I’ve been through. I don’t know why I thought he would negatively think differently of me, but I’m glad I told him. Granted, he did have to coax it out of me.

Anyway, I like Chad. It’s never been a secret in our friendship. I’m not one to keep a lid on things like that. I like him. He likes me, I think. (I could be wrong on that one.) Here’s the problem…since I know what you are thinking…because of the things I’ve been through, I do not believe that I am good enough for him. I know…I know. I know what you will say “You need to be more confident in yourself.” “You deserve the best.” Yea…I get it. Duly noted. I know I deserve the best. I know that I am a good person. I guess deep down (and even after years of therapy and counseling) I still don’t believe it. I know I won’t get those good guys that I deserve so much until I start believing that. Here’s the problem…my base’s mental health center isn’t helpful. I’ve seen them. Hell, the first day there the tech looked at me and said “You look like you need a hug.” The therapist I saw for 8 months was only able to “cure” me of one problem.

Well, this post sure has taken a turn. Let’s take a break from all the heavy. Here’s a message to lighten the mood…

I hope you enjoyed that. I love dogs! Anyway, back to what I was saying. I hate feeling “broken” or “damaged”. It’s something I’ve learned to bury…kind of like Pandora’s Box.  I don’t know if anything will happen between Chad and I…probably not, and I’m ok with that. I probably shouldn’t be, but I guess that’s the way things go. I don’t know how to fix me. Therapists are no help…well, at least the ones I’ve talked to anyway. I’m left with feeling unsure as to what to do. It’s hard to talk about because there really isn’t anyone who knows how to help. My supportive friends will listen as I talk about how I feel, but they don’t know what to do either. Once I talk to them, I feel guilty. I always feel like I am letting good people in on bad things…bad things that they shouldn’t have to experience. I guess I try to shield the ones I care about from pain and misery. They don’t deserve that, but I guess I deserve someone to talk to. It’s a cyclical circle…yea you read that right.

People tell me all the time. You’re young…you’ll find someone or Good things come to those who wait or He’s out there, you just wait and see. Thanks for the consolation? I’ve tried online dating. I’ve tried regular dating. I’ve been set up with someone by a friend. It’s hard to meet someone when you spend the majority of your time with the same 100+ people. That might sound like a lot of people to you, but when you have a rule about not dating co-workers it doesn’t seem like that many anymore.

Ugh! Ok…I’m done. Soooo much heavy…not really similar to my Hank story after all.