You guys remember my post about “Hank” right? Well, here’s a similar post.
His name will be Chad. I met Chad when we were both stationed in Korea. I didn’t really know him then. I got there in January and he PCS’d in March to Hawaii. We added one another on Facebook and messaged every now and then for a while and then the volume of those messages increased until we were talking a couple of times a week. I grew to like him. How can you not though? Chad is one of those people that everyone loves. He’s handsome and kind and respectful. He loves his family and works hard. Chad is a good person through and through. I’ve always called him the “perfect man.” This is not without saying he has faults. Everyone does, including Chad, but he’s still pretty close to perfect. I’ve been talking to him for nearly 2 years. I can talk to him about everything…it wasn’t always like this though. There were things I didn’t want to share with Chad because I was afraid of how or what he would think…which was crazy. Crazy because the one thing I love about my relationship with Chad is that no matter what we can trust the other will tell the honest truth. Whether it be what we wanted to be when we grew up or sexual fantasies or what we want our lives to be. I finally told him everything that I hadn’t just a few months ago. I was ashamed about a lot of it, but to my surprise he told me that he respected me more for a.) having told him and b.) having gone through everything I’ve been through. I don’t know why I thought he would negatively think differently of me, but I’m glad I told him. Granted, he did have to coax it out of me.
Anyway, I like Chad. It’s never been a secret in our friendship. I’m not one to keep a lid on things like that. I like him. He likes me, I think. (I could be wrong on that one.) Here’s the problem…since I know what you are thinking…because of the things I’ve been through, I do not believe that I am good enough for him. I know…I know. I know what you will say “You need to be more confident in yourself.” “You deserve the best.” Yea…I get it. Duly noted. I know I deserve the best. I know that I am a good person. I guess deep down (and even after years of therapy and counseling) I still don’t believe it. I know I won’t get those good guys that I deserve so much until I start believing that. Here’s the problem…my base’s mental health center isn’t helpful. I’ve seen them. Hell, the first day there the tech looked at me and said “You look like you need a hug.” The therapist I saw for 8 months was only able to “cure” me of one problem.
Well, this post sure has taken a turn. Let’s take a break from all the heavy. Here’s a message to lighten the mood…
I hope you enjoyed that. I love dogs! Anyway, back to what I was saying. I hate feeling “broken” or “damaged”. It’s something I’ve learned to bury…kind of like Pandora’s Box. I don’t know if anything will happen between Chad and I…probably not, and I’m ok with that. I probably shouldn’t be, but I guess that’s the way things go. I don’t know how to fix me. Therapists are no help…well, at least the ones I’ve talked to anyway. I’m left with feeling unsure as to what to do. It’s hard to talk about because there really isn’t anyone who knows how to help. My supportive friends will listen as I talk about how I feel, but they don’t know what to do either. Once I talk to them, I feel guilty. I always feel like I am letting good people in on bad things…bad things that they shouldn’t have to experience. I guess I try to shield the ones I care about from pain and misery. They don’t deserve that, but I guess I deserve someone to talk to. It’s a cyclical circle…yea you read that right.
People tell me all the time. You’re young…you’ll find someone or Good things come to those who wait or He’s out there, you just wait and see. Thanks for the consolation? I’ve tried online dating. I’ve tried regular dating. I’ve been set up with someone by a friend. It’s hard to meet someone when you spend the majority of your time with the same 100+ people. That might sound like a lot of people to you, but when you have a rule about not dating co-workers it doesn’t seem like that many anymore.
Ugh! Ok…I’m done. Soooo much heavy…not really similar to my Hank story after all.
Manders-Lou 