So I told you in my last post that I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately. Here’s another thing I want to share with you. It’s not pleasant by any means.
Several months ago I posted about a suicide that happened within my Group. Well, we had another one unfortunately.
He was one of my favorite Lieutenants. I worked with him a bit and the news he was gone just floored me. I am beginning to hate suicide and I wish it didn’t exist. I know that sounds completely silly since we cannot control the lives of others, but damn it! I’m tired of losing phenomenal people that way. There’s not much to say about suicide that I haven’t already said before. Please stop and take a look around you. Take a look around at the people who are closest to you. Be legitimately concerned for their well-being. Look out for one another. You can’t make a horse drink the water, but if there’s no water there…he’s definitely going to be thirsty. If you, yourself are having thoughts like that please know that you ARE cared about by others. I may not know you, but rest assured. I care about you. Everyone is someone. Everyone is important. YOU are important.
I would like to show you this video as they played the song at the memorial service for 1LT Keith O’Brien. I hope you enjoyed your flight LT. We sure miss you down here already.
You guys remember my post about “Hank” right? Well, here’s a similar post.
His name will be Chad. I met Chad when we were both stationed in Korea. I didn’t really know him then. I got there in January and he PCS’d in March to Hawaii. We added one another on Facebook and messaged every now and then for a while and then the volume of those messages increased until we were talking a couple of times a week. I grew to like him. How can you not though? Chad is one of those people that everyone loves. He’s handsome and kind and respectful. He loves his family and works hard. Chad is a good person through and through. I’ve always called him the “perfect man.” This is not without saying he has faults. Everyone does, including Chad, but he’s still pretty close to perfect. I’ve been talking to him for nearly 2 years. I can talk to him about everything…it wasn’t always like this though. There were things I didn’t want to share with Chad because I was afraid of how or what he would think…which was crazy. Crazy because the one thing I love about my relationship with Chad is that no matter what we can trust the other will tell the honest truth. Whether it be what we wanted to be when we grew up or sexual fantasies or what we want our lives to be. I finally told him everything that I hadn’t just a few months ago. I was ashamed about a lot of it, but to my surprise he told me that he respected me more for a.) having told him and b.) having gone through everything I’ve been through. I don’t know why I thought he would negatively think differently of me, but I’m glad I told him. Granted, he did have to coax it out of me.
Anyway, I like Chad. It’s never been a secret in our friendship. I’m not one to keep a lid on things like that. I like him. He likes me, I think. (I could be wrong on that one.) Here’s the problem…since I know what you are thinking…because of the things I’ve been through, I do not believe that I am good enough for him. I know…I know. I know what you will say “You need to be more confident in yourself.” “You deserve the best.” Yea…I get it. Duly noted. I know I deserve the best. I know that I am a good person. I guess deep down (and even after years of therapy and counseling) I still don’t believe it. I know I won’t get those good guys that I deserve so much until I start believing that. Here’s the problem…my base’s mental health center isn’t helpful. I’ve seen them. Hell, the first day there the tech looked at me and said “You look like you need a hug.” The therapist I saw for 8 months was only able to “cure” me of one problem.
Well, this post sure has taken a turn. Let’s take a break from all the heavy. Here’s a message to lighten the mood…
I hope you enjoyed that. I love dogs! Anyway, back to what I was saying. I hate feeling “broken” or “damaged”. It’s something I’ve learned to bury…kind of like Pandora’s Box. I don’t know if anything will happen between Chad and I…probably not, and I’m ok with that. I probably shouldn’t be, but I guess that’s the way things go. I don’t know how to fix me. Therapists are no help…well, at least the ones I’ve talked to anyway. I’m left with feeling unsure as to what to do. It’s hard to talk about because there really isn’t anyone who knows how to help. My supportive friends will listen as I talk about how I feel, but they don’t know what to do either. Once I talk to them, I feel guilty. I always feel like I am letting good people in on bad things…bad things that they shouldn’t have to experience. I guess I try to shield the ones I care about from pain and misery. They don’t deserve that, but I guess I deserve someone to talk to. It’s a cyclical circle…yea you read that right.
People tell me all the time. You’re young…you’ll find someone or Good things come to those who wait or He’s out there, you just wait and see. Thanks for the consolation? I’ve tried online dating. I’ve tried regular dating. I’ve been set up with someone by a friend. It’s hard to meet someone when you spend the majority of your time with the same 100+ people. That might sound like a lot of people to you, but when you have a rule about not dating co-workers it doesn’t seem like that many anymore.
Ugh! Ok…I’m done. Soooo much heavy…not really similar to my Hank story after all.
Today we had a variety of briefings…as we usually do on our Admin days. The day started out with a final Commander’s Call with our current Commander. We then had a flight call where we “fair well-ed” our current flight commander and “hailed” our in-coming flight commander. After all of this we had resiliency training…my favorite. Suicide prevention, stress management, finance management, etc. Finance management? Eh…not much there I haven’t heard before. Stress management? Well, that’s a joke…especially in our line of work. We are surrounded by stress and there’s no escaping it. That leaves us with suicide prevention. If you’ve read any of my other posts, then you probably know where I’m going with this. I’m not a fan of suicide prevention training. It’s a touchy subject and I’m not fond of talking about it in a group setting. It’s emotional for me. Today was not a good day at work.
I include this song in this post for a reason that I will explain throughout, but specificially at the end.
My job is stressful. I look at imagery all day long. I work 12 – 13 hour days, 4 days a week. Every three months I switch from days to nights and nights to days. Every six months I switch the days that I work. I don’t have a normal sleep schedule. Once I get used to sleeping one way, I have to switch it up again. It’s an ugly pattern, but it is what it is. I have to drink 20 oz. of coffee in the morning to wake up and to lessen the feeling of wanting to punch anyone in the kidney. I sit at a desk and look for bad things involving bad people. Bad people that want to hurt the good guys…our guys. The good guys who are down range trying to protect and defend a foreign people. Some are appreciative. Some are not. I sit and I look for IEDs in roads. Roads that those same good guys use…trying to help dimish the amount of casualties in this war. The war that most Americans have long forgotten about. The stressful part comes in when things get hectic. I have to make sure that I am on my game because if I’m not…people could die. Good people. Innocent people. I have to make sure that my callouts are accurate and timely. I have to make sure that I don’t miss anything. I’m good at my job. I’m really good at my job actually, but I still have those times when I doubt myself…when I make mistakes too. It happens to the best of us. No one can be perfect all the time. I fear that one of those times that I make a mistake, someone else will pay for it. When I hear of an IED explosion in Afghanistan I think “Was that one that I missed?” We all have our bad days at work. I work 12 hour days. By day 4, I’m tired…everyone is. I try to stay alert and attentive, but I know that doesn’t always happen. I don’t want people to die because of my negligence. People die all the time in war. It’s what happens. I know this, but the thought of being actively involved in the death of someone (good or bad) is not something that sits well with me. My brain works both logically and emotionally. Logically, I know that bad guys need to die…especially if they will be invovled in the deaths of innocents or good guys. That’s the military side of me. I also have the human side of me…the emotional side. Sometimes decisions that we make at work result in death. We help kill bad guys. I like to think that God will forgive us for doing what we have to do. I don’t like the thought of killing anyone…even the bad people. There’s a lot of pressure in my job…as there should be. I just don’t want any good people to die because of something that I did in error.
I told you that I would explain the song. The song is about a man coping with the death of his brother, presumably killed in war. When I hear this song, I think of my job. I think about how I don’t want to be wrong because I don’t want to be part of the cause of pain like that. The death of a loved one is excruciating.
This is just one aspect of my life. I have been told that I have stress management issues. I believe this to be true. I have all kinds of stress in my life, as do many people. I, however, do not deal with stress the right way. I put all of the things that are stressful or cause me anxiety by putting them in what I call “Pandora’s Box.” This box resides way back in the cerebellum portion of my brain. (Yes, I am aware that is not where memories are stored. Basically, I’m just saying I put those things way back in my brain.) I try not to open Pandora’s Box, but sometimes it happens and when it does. Oh Lordy, watch out. It can be opened as easily as a question from a friend. One question regarding anything in the box and it opens. Once opened all of those things come out and I have to try and deal with them. Usually all at once. This has nothing to do with this post, so I will continue this no futher. I just want you to understand how I deal with stress as it relates to my job.
I suppose that is all for this post. Until we meet again, adieu.
Manders-Lou 