So I told you in my last post that I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately. Here’s another thing I want to share with you. It’s not pleasant by any means.
Several months ago I posted about a suicide that happened within my Group. Well, we had another one unfortunately.
He was one of my favorite Lieutenants. I worked with him a bit and the news he was gone just floored me. I am beginning to hate suicide and I wish it didn’t exist. I know that sounds completely silly since we cannot control the lives of others, but damn it! I’m tired of losing phenomenal people that way. There’s not much to say about suicide that I haven’t already said before. Please stop and take a look around you. Take a look around at the people who are closest to you. Be legitimately concerned for their well-being. Look out for one another. You can’t make a horse drink the water, but if there’s no water there…he’s definitely going to be thirsty. If you, yourself are having thoughts like that please know that you ARE cared about by others. I may not know you, but rest assured. I care about you. Everyone is someone. Everyone is important. YOU are important.
I would like to show you this video as they played the song at the memorial service for 1LT Keith O’Brien. I hope you enjoyed your flight LT. We sure miss you down here already.
It’s been awhile since my last post…I’ve been quite busy with so many things going on. One of which I feel I need to get out on paper…err…computer screen.
Over a month ago now, I started talking to a new guy (since I always have code names, we will call this one Derek…yes Mom, of course, for Derek Morgan). I actually know Derek from work, but we started talking online. He found me on one of the online dating sites and messaged me. Now, I didn’t quite realize right away who he was. I knew he looked familiar, but it took me a minute to realize who he was. I looked at his pictures and I looked again. I noticed his username was a clue and grabbed my recall roster to check his first name. I asked if his was and he said yes and that yes, we do in fact work together haha. Now, normally I have a strict “No workplace dating” policy, but I decided that he and I don’t interact all that much and if things were to go south…it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. So we started talking and then we were talking all the time…and by all the time, I mean everyday, all day if work permitted. I quickly realized this man was like no other I’d ever encountered. After two weeks of talking with him, I told a girlfriend of mine “I don’t know what’s going to happen with this one, but I just know it’s going to be great because he’s just special.” He IS special. He’s a very caring individual, putting the concerns of the ones he loves well before his own needs or desires. He’s not selfish nor rude nor arrogant. He has a sexy sort of confidence about him…part of his charm though, is his dorky side. Derek is incredibly funny and is ALWAYS able to put a smile on my face…and many times does it on purpose. He brought out that giddy feeling within me that I hadn’t known for a very long time. He adores his nieces and nephews, which is something that I find incredibly endearing and sexy as hell at the same time. From the very beginning, we agreed that however this turned out, we would definitely have a friendship between us. As we continued talking and then eventually ending up on our first date (a trip to the local Starbucks that lasted 3 1/2 hours by the way), I came to realize that this man is one of the greatest people I have ever met. He’s just amazing…perfect for me. I thought about all of the things I had ever said I wanted in a man, in a partner. He fit all of them. He told me that I’m the picture of perfection and that I’m an incredible person. Our second date was nothing short of perfected amazingness. It was an electric, intoxicating kind of experience even though there were times when I held back or even pushed him away. See, my brain and my heart were not on the same page. I’ve been hurt so many times over in my life by many different people and happiness has been hard to come by. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was afraid of letting myself be happy. Every time he would ask what I was thinking or what I want, I would clam up and basically shut down for a minute. I explained that all of this isn’t something I’m used to . I’m not used to someone caring enough to ask what I want and moreover, actually wanting to know. It was a little bit to absorb and acclimate to, but I think I did it. We both stated that neither of us wanted to be just friends that night.
All of this sounds good, right? Whoo hoo…not quite…
Last week, out of hormonal emotions I overreacted to a situation with Derek and I. He had some things going on and we didn’t talk all day. I was miffed and blew it out of proportion. I talked to him about it and he became unsure of what it is that he truly wants. He’s afraid of getting hurt too and doesn’t know how to feel or what to think. As previously stated, I’ve been there…I’ve done that. I get it. So now we are just friends because that’s what he needs right now. A relationship isn’t something he is comfortable with and that’s fine. Like I said, I get it. I’ve been to the point where you think you’re good with something…and then something happens to make you think otherwise. Of course I’m not exactly happy with this…the fact that we are now just friends. I was excited about the prospect of finally having a good man to call my partner in life. Here’s the thing though: I’m not giving up on him.
I know you’re probably thinking “Oh geez…just let it go. It’s not gonna work.” Here’s what I say: It isn’t going to work RIGHT NOW. Who’s to say that later on down the road it doesn’t work?
I am a logical, analytical thinker. I don’t make a decision without first thinking through all of the probabilities and outcomes. Hell, it takes me several minutes to pick out a candy bar…let alone what I want to eat in a restaurant…let alone who I give my heart. I cannot explain this, as it does sound crazy…certifiably even. I know in my bones that this man is the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have a logical explanation for it, but I just feel it in my heart that it’s true. Right now, Derek and I are not going to work. I understand that. Maybe God brought us together so that I can help him. Maybe He didn’t. Maybe God brought us together to, once again, teach me a little patience. Maybe He didn’t. I don’t know why God brought this wonderful person into my life, but I know He meant for there to be greatness. I feel it would be cruel otherwise…and God is not cruel. I will do whatever I can and whatever it takes to show Derek that I am not going anywhere…that I am always here for him. To show him, that not everyone in your life is going to let you down. To show him what I have yet to be shown myself. Gosh, the more I think about it the more I know I’m right. As I told my mama, I am unsure of most everything that happens in my life, but I am 100% sure about this one. I just want this wonderful man to be happy. I will be here for him for as long as it takes.
This song says everything that I want to say…everything that I have said in just a few minutes.
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
This song makes me think of you every time I hear it. I’ve tried every which way I can think of to callous myself so that it doesn’t hurt anymore, but I haven’t succeeded. I miss you. Everyday. Something always reminds me of you and I’m still mad at you. How dare you? You always told me to never give up. Things will always get better. You told me that. You gave up. You quit trying. I know you were upset…I knew you were troubled. I never said anything to anyone else. You always had a smile on your face, so most everyone else thought you were this happy-go-lucky guy. I knew you had a dark secret. I was always worried about you. I miss you. You were just a wonderful person. One of my best friends. You knew about everything. You were always there. You promised to take care of me. Do you remember? You skyped me the morning after that awful night in Korea when a friend did somethings he shouldn’t have. You knew I was upset right away and you promised me that once I got to Beale you would always take care of me so nothing like that would happen again. I believed you. How can you take care of me if you aren’t here? I don’t want to be angry with you, but I can’t help it. Your beautiful child is now fatherless. You loved him with everything you had. I know…I saw it. I wish I would have asked you more often how you were doing. I know it was your decision, but damn it. I can’t help but feel partially responsible. I’m left feeling so many things. Sadness. Anger. Hurt. Confusion. Happiness. It’s been 8 months and I still don’t know how I feel.
28 July 2012: I got a text from my roommate asking me if I was ok. I had no idea what she was talking about. Monica was in Hawaii on vacation and it was odd for her to text me at all. I told her I was ok and asked her how she was. She asked me if I had heard what happened. I said no. She told me that you had killed yourself…she heard from your old OIC. I didn’t know what to think. It was the most confusing time in my life. I text you. You didn’t respond. I called the floor…I knew my crew, your former crew, was working and they would know something. I called and Sgt Beckett put me on hold to find out, but I was out of my mind so I hung up. I messaged your cousin and Roybal to find out something. The Shirt called me. He asked who I was and what I knew…which wasn’t much. He said “I hate to inform you of this, but it’s true. Sgt Benson committed suicide yesterday.” I yelled at him. I told him he was wrong and it wasn’t true. How could you just be gone? He asked me how I knew you, so I told him we met in tech school and you were a good friend of mine. We hung up and I just sat there, stunned. I cried so much that day.
I don’t know how to feel. Everything makes me think of you. Broncos. Bumblebees. Roxi. 2145. Heineken. I nearly walked out of the movie theater watching Paranormal Activity with my sister. The part with the girl and the car and the garage…I almost couldn’t deal with it. Every song about a friend’s death…I think of you. Didn’t you know I was always there for you? Was there nothing I could have done for you? I loved you. I still do. I have so many questions that will never get answered. It all seems unresolved…no closure. Everyone tells me that I need to move on and get over it. I won’t ever get over you. I want to thank you for always being my friend. For doing whatever it took to make me smile when all I wanted to do was cry. For taking me car shopping and making sure I got the right one without getting screwed over. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you. For not taking more time to talk to you. I have a hole in my heart that I don’t think will ever be filled. I hope you know that I love you and I hope you can forgive me for not trying harder as your friend. I think about you all the time and I miss you everyday. I treasure the time that I got with you while you were here and blessed us with your presence. I love you doll face and I hope you have finally found peace within yourself. I can’t wait to see your smiling face again. xoxox…and no, I won’t take my shirt off 🙂
Manders-Lou 