It’s been awhile since my last post…I’ve been quite busy with so many things going on. One of which I feel I need to get out on paper…err…computer screen.
Over a month ago now, I started talking to a new guy (since I always have code names, we will call this one Derek…yes Mom, of course, for Derek Morgan). I actually know Derek from work, but we started talking online. He found me on one of the online dating sites and messaged me. Now, I didn’t quite realize right away who he was. I knew he looked familiar, but it took me a minute to realize who he was. I looked at his pictures and I looked again. I noticed his username was a clue and grabbed my recall roster to check his first name. I asked if his was and he said yes and that yes, we do in fact work together haha. Now, normally I have a strict “No workplace dating” policy, but I decided that he and I don’t interact all that much and if things were to go south…it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. So we started talking and then we were talking all the time…and by all the time, I mean everyday, all day if work permitted. I quickly realized this man was like no other I’d ever encountered. After two weeks of talking with him, I told a girlfriend of mine “I don’t know what’s going to happen with this one, but I just know it’s going to be great because he’s just special.” He IS special. He’s a very caring individual, putting the concerns of the ones he loves well before his own needs or desires. He’s not selfish nor rude nor arrogant. He has a sexy sort of confidence about him…part of his charm though, is his dorky side. Derek is incredibly funny and is ALWAYS able to put a smile on my face…and many times does it on purpose. He brought out that giddy feeling within me that I hadn’t known for a very long time. He adores his nieces and nephews, which is something that I find incredibly endearing and sexy as hell at the same time. From the very beginning, we agreed that however this turned out, we would definitely have a friendship between us. As we continued talking and then eventually ending up on our first date (a trip to the local Starbucks that lasted 3 1/2 hours by the way), I came to realize that this man is one of the greatest people I have ever met. He’s just amazing…perfect for me. I thought about all of the things I had ever said I wanted in a man, in a partner. He fit all of them. He told me that I’m the picture of perfection and that I’m an incredible person. Our second date was nothing short of perfected amazingness. It was an electric, intoxicating kind of experience even though there were times when I held back or even pushed him away. See, my brain and my heart were not on the same page. I’ve been hurt so many times over in my life by many different people and happiness has been hard to come by. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was afraid of letting myself be happy. Every time he would ask what I was thinking or what I want, I would clam up and basically shut down for a minute. I explained that all of this isn’t something I’m used to . I’m not used to someone caring enough to ask what I want and moreover, actually wanting to know. It was a little bit to absorb and acclimate to, but I think I did it. We both stated that neither of us wanted to be just friends that night.
All of this sounds good, right? Whoo hoo…not quite…
Last week, out of hormonal emotions I overreacted to a situation with Derek and I. He had some things going on and we didn’t talk all day. I was miffed and blew it out of proportion. I talked to him about it and he became unsure of what it is that he truly wants. He’s afraid of getting hurt too and doesn’t know how to feel or what to think. As previously stated, I’ve been there…I’ve done that. I get it. So now we are just friends because that’s what he needs right now. A relationship isn’t something he is comfortable with and that’s fine. Like I said, I get it. I’ve been to the point where you think you’re good with something…and then something happens to make you think otherwise. Of course I’m not exactly happy with this…the fact that we are now just friends. I was excited about the prospect of finally having a good man to call my partner in life. Here’s the thing though: I’m not giving up on him.
I know you’re probably thinking “Oh geez…just let it go. It’s not gonna work.” Here’s what I say: It isn’t going to work RIGHT NOW. Who’s to say that later on down the road it doesn’t work?
I am a logical, analytical thinker. I don’t make a decision without first thinking through all of the probabilities and outcomes. Hell, it takes me several minutes to pick out a candy bar…let alone what I want to eat in a restaurant…let alone who I give my heart. I cannot explain this, as it does sound crazy…certifiably even. I know in my bones that this man is the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have a logical explanation for it, but I just feel it in my heart that it’s true. Right now, Derek and I are not going to work. I understand that. Maybe God brought us together so that I can help him. Maybe He didn’t. Maybe God brought us together to, once again, teach me a little patience. Maybe He didn’t. I don’t know why God brought this wonderful person into my life, but I know He meant for there to be greatness. I feel it would be cruel otherwise…and God is not cruel. I will do whatever I can and whatever it takes to show Derek that I am not going anywhere…that I am always here for him. To show him, that not everyone in your life is going to let you down. To show him what I have yet to be shown myself. Gosh, the more I think about it the more I know I’m right. As I told my mama, I am unsure of most everything that happens in my life, but I am 100% sure about this one. I just want this wonderful man to be happy. I will be here for him for as long as it takes.
This song says everything that I want to say…everything that I have said in just a few minutes.
Manders-Lou 